25 6 / 2012
I don’t know what I’m going to write here, what I want to write or if I’ll even post this…
I don’t feel like I’ve been happy with my SO lately.
I just don’t know how I’m feeling about him. There always seem to be a fight or something I’m not happy about. He never has a go at me. Is that because I’m always moaning at him so he doesn’t get the chance? Or is he better at letting things go? Or does he just not care?
Things haven’t been the same since I lost my best friend and he wasn’t there for me. Since then I feel like he’s not been able to support me. I don’t want to go on about how life is hard for me, I know other people have much worse things happen to them. It’s just that losing my best friend, my nan and a close family friend to cancer all in the time period of a year and a half is hard.
I feel like I act daft and weird and I just pick myself up and get on with life. Rather than living it. I feel as if I am existing, surviving, not enjoying what are meant to be the best days of my life.
I’m going to France for 8 months in September, which will be the hardest thing I have ever done. But, I’m hoping that it will be the best.
I just feel that I don’t have anyone I can really be myself with, really open up to. I feel like I’m being forced to get up and carry on. And that I don’t really have anyone to properly talk to without feeling like I’m an annoyance.
With my SO and I this year when we’ve been away at uni, I’ve not really felt like we’ve had a relationship when we’re apart. We text all the time and talk once a day on the phone. But, despite my efforts he doesn’t ever mention sex or tell me that he misses me in “that” way.
It’s been going on for over a year now, and it really gets me down. Since uni I have put on a little weight, but not masses and I am working to get fit and healthy again. But, he swears its not that. When we’re together we have a good sex life, its just that he never mentions it when we’re apart. He used to, a bit too much actually, the only reason he’d come on skype was so something would happen. I said he was being a bit overly sexual and he toned it down, but then we hardly ever skyped. And since the rough patch after my friend passed away practically nothing has happened.
I also get worried that he’s unhappy just having had sex with me. I’ve had previous boyfriends so have slept with 2 other people before we were together. Whereas I was his first (which he didnt tell me until after). Then, the other day when I asked him about fantasies he said about sleeping with someone without knowing their name. It made me wonder if that’s something hew would want to happen. That I am not enough. I don’t know if he believes me when I say the sex between us is the best that I’ve ever had and cannot see it being any better with anybody else and its true.
He hasn’t made me feel that warm loving feeling recently, I don’t know whether it is because we have been together for over 3 years now or something else…
I’m worried all my moaning is driving him away. But I just need him to be there for me, want me and be affectionate. I just feel like he doesn’t want to bother anymore. I’m tired of having to tell him how to be my boyfriend. Surely he must know by now?
I’m sorry for clogging up your dashboard with this mess I just needed to vent.
Any help, advice or anything would be so helpful. I’m just feeling so lost right now.
24 5 / 2012
"I’m moving to Versailles, France in September."
24 5 / 2012
All in all I like them. He’s a middle child like me, has an older sister and younger brother. His parents are married and just celebrated their 25th Wedding anniversary.
His extended family are lovely also, on his Dad’s side its quite big like my own family but they are much closer, which I love. I really get on with his maternal grandparents - they’re so lovely and more like grandparents than my own were.
His mum is very clean,tidy and very traditional. She drops hints about grandchildren quite often. She likes to remind me and her daughter that by the age of 22 she was married with a house and a baby (I’m 20 and won’t be finished with university until I’m 23). My OH’s sister has just got engaged at the age of 24 to her boyfriend of 9 years and her mum is already talking about kids. Bless.
They’ve really welcomed me into the family which I love. At first, it was strange because my family is the opposite - they don’t get involved in mine or my brothers relationships. I do feel like they judge me a little sometimes as they are quite image concious.
I do feel there is a pressure on me and my OH, which will increase after his sister is married and we graduate. As, his parents are currently selling their home (which when not at uni my other half and all his siblings live) and they want to buy a 2 bedroom cottage. When I went for coffee with my OH’s mum she explained the reason they are doing such a drastic downside (from a 4 bed house) is because my OH’s sister will be moving out to buy a house with her fiancé and they hope to help them out, that they don’t expect my OH’s younger brother to live with them much longer after he has qualified as a carpenter and got a job and that my OH is not there most of the time because of uni. Which is fair enough. BUT another reason was that because me and my OH are together, she said that “we’ll probably be living together after graduation anyway”. I mean me and my OH have talked about doing post grad courses in the same city, preferably close to his family home but its a whole different kettle of fish when his family starts saying it. It’s lovely because at least I know that they want me in his family - it’s just a bit scary sometimes.
It was quite sweet though because we went for a drink to celebrate his sisters engagement and they were talking weddings and rings and things. And my OH openly was saying what we’d like etc. and his family I think were surprised that he was so eager to talk about things like that. With my family, they would just laugh and tell me I’m young, but I think they are coming round to the idea a bit more considering how long we have been together.
To summarise, they’re lovely, traditional and slightly crazy (but what family isn’t?!)
22 5 / 2012
Me for him
- Big one
Him for me:
- Gorgeous one
- Little One
- Pooface (lol!)
19 5 / 2012
"We’ve been together… 3 years, 1 month and 26 days OR 1,153 days OR 168 weeks OR 27,672 hours OR 1,660,320 minutes OR 99,619,200 seconds"